A strange phrase, I think it might be a good description of how I feel most of the time. I’m not sure there are many moments that carry a single all-consuming emotion or thought. Getting lost in an emotion is rare for me.
Sometimes getting consumed in an activity can draw me close, I think that’s why I often write after hard exercise, I’ve tired myself enough to have a reduced filter on my feelings. I feel I am at my best when I get a truer integration of mind and body. One without the other rings hollow. How many of us spend our lives split between a thousand different things? It seems we have constructed a society and culture that requires ever-finer slices of our attention to be cut away and drawn upon. Like Xenos parradox we think it’s ok because no matter how many times we cut our attention in half, there is always a half to cut and cut again. The infinite dwelling in the finite is fascinating, but like a fractle zoom out of control, we spiral into ever more demands on our attention. To stop and breathe, to look up, to hold focus on one thing and push the myriad, the legion of demands away. Meditation, prayer. To swim in the sea and be free from even the feeling of weight. To run and to run and to run and to run out of breath, run out of control. To weep and grieve with a single-mindedness that gives fair scope to the cruel pain of losing those we love. I think the truth is that we mix our feelings for fear that, drunk neat, they might intoxicate - or maybe that’s just me. Moments of feeling deeply should be treasured. So too silence, quite cloistered nothingness and the peace of unknowing solitude. This is a reminder to me to pause a little more often, to catch the falling fractals of the splitting of myself.